Friday, July 15, 2016

100% Mixed Up

I've started this post three times.

Each time, I felt like I was whining and complaining, and that's something I am consciously trying not to do here on this blog.

I don't mean to say that everything I write about is happy and perfect and special and awesome, but I do try to focus on what I manage to do versus what I don't do (out of fear, apathy, lack of time, or lack of skill).

But today?  This afternoon?  I am a non-starter.  I cannot seem to get myself to do anything.  

Here is a list of things I could or should be doing:

1) Washing dishes
2) Unearthing the dining room table
3) Vacuuming
4) Revising an essay
5) Picking up clutter
6) Walking the dog
7) Organizing my Google Drive files
8) Cleaning up my laptop's desktop (isn't it grand that we now have to clean up both literal and virtual spaces?)
9) Calling campgrounds to make a reservation
10) Figuring out a plan for dinner
11) Taking out the recycling
12) Exercising in some form
13) Blogging about any number of recent experiences
14) Getting a jump on the roughly ten million college recommendation letters I'll have to submit this fall
15) Pulling weeds or mowing the lawn

Multiply that by, oh, twenty, and you'll have a good sense of all the things that need doing. (You've likely got your own list just as long.)

And then I read this post by Spinster Jane which says, among other things,
If you are having a bad day. Share it. If the world does not seem to be going your way. Share it.
If you are dealing with a depressive episode. Share it.
If you are suffering grief from loss. Share it.
If you had an anxiety attack this morning. Share it.
If you have a brain crushing creative block. Share it.
As for why, she goes on to write, "Because no one's life is full of bliss 100% of the time."

And she is 100% correct.

My day is by no means bad, but rolling around inside my head are the following thoughts, among others:

1) What the F*#%, Nice, France?
2) Trump--Pence (oh God. And the logo!)
3) Is my daughter's general malaise these past two days my fault?
4) How is it that I want to go to the Clam Festival in Yarmouth and at the same time, I don't want to go?
5) Why do so many people hate Hillary?
6) Why is it a train wreck in comments and replies if I ask that last question on social media?
7) What news source is a trustworthy news source?  I've seen the New York Times attacked three times today.  I thought they were the good guys.
8) Wow, it's hot.
9) I miss my mom.
10) How can another person I know and love in this world be battling cancer?

And this list is making it hard to focus on the list above.  Some days the world just feels weightier than other days.

Spinster Jane's post helped me reframe my crappy mood.  It has to be ok to not be productive all of the time.  It has to be ok to just let the messy shit tumble around in my head for a while, so long as I don't let it take over.

What I want most of all to do right now is crack open a bottle of wine and watch Netflix.  I want to cry over something sappy or laugh uncontrollably over something stupid. (Too bad I'm all caught up on New Girl.  But maybe we've got some Brooklyn Nine-Nines to watch.)  It would be nice if my husband wants to join me in this.  I'll have to ask him when he gets home from work.

Don't mind the mess.  I've decided not to.
The rest of the stuff on the first list has waited this long; it can all surely wait one more day.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. It is absolutely okay...all of it :-)

  2. To tell you the truth, it scares me to feel this way, but thank you for verbalizing it.